What Counts as a “Kink”?
“Kink” is one of those words that means wildly different things depending on who you ask. For some people, it’s anything beyond missionary sex with the lights off. For others, it’s puppy collars, latex hoods, or elaborate roleplay scenes. The truth? What counts as “kinky” is totally subjective—and that’s part of what makes talking about it so interesting.
What’s considered kinky in one relationship, culture, or community might be seen as totally “vanilla” in another.
For one couple, adding blindfolds might feel thrilling and boundary-pushing.
For another, that’s just Tuesday night.
Kink exists on a spectrum, and where you land on it can shift over time as you explore, learn, and grow. There’s no official rulebook that says, “This is kinky and this isn’t.” It’s about what feels new, exciting, taboo, or just different for you.
What Does Research Say?
In case you didn’t know, I’m a research nerd (it’s the therapist in me). So I did some digging and while there isn’t a ton of evidence-based research about what people consider vanilla versus kinky, here’s what I did find:
By age 50, about 40% of Americans have tried things like rim jobs, toy insertion, or other unconventional (aka kinky) acts.
22% of adult Americans have engaged in dominance/submission play
20% have experimented with restraint
13% have tried whipping or flogging
Now, people don’t always tell the truth in self-report surveys (because of shame). BUT, with all these percentages being below 50%, I ~personally~ feel like that reflects non-mainstream, or at least non-majority, interests.
Common Categories of Kink
While everyone’s desires are unique, there are some broad categories that many kinks fall into. You might connect with one, several, or none at all.
Sensory play – exploring touch, taste, sound, smell, or sight in new ways (think: feather ticklers, wax play, blindfolds)
Power dynamics – consensual role differences, like dominance and submission, caregiver and little, or master and pet
Bondage & restraint – ropes, cuffs, or other ways of restricting movement
Impact play – spanking, flogging, paddling
Roleplay & fantasy – acting out characters or scenarios, from mild to elaborate
Fetishes – sexual focus on a specific object, body part, or material (e.g., feet, leather, latex)
Edge play – pushing personal limits in a negotiated, consensual way
Remember, these categories aren’t boxes you have to fit into; they’re just examples of the many possibilities that exist.
How People Feel About Their Kinks
Having an interest that’s not considered “mainstream” can bring up a mix of emotions: excitement, curiosity, fear, shame, or confusion. Sometimes we internalize messages that anything outside of certain norms is “wrong” or “weird.” Other times, we feel energized and empowered by our unique desires.
Both reactions are valid and both are worth exploring if you want to understand yourself better.
How a Sex Coach Can Help
Kink coaching isn’t about telling you what to do: it’s about helping you figure out what you want to do. Here’s how working with a sex coach can help:
Clarifying desires – sorting through curiosity to figure out what excites you and what doesn’t
Building communication skills – learning how to talk to partners about your interests
Understanding safety & consent – negotiating boundaries and learning best practices for kink play
Unpacking shame – challenging old beliefs that might make you feel bad about your desires
Creating an exploration plan – figuring out safe, comfortable first steps you can take
You don’t have to know exactly what you’re into before you start because exploration is part of the process.
Takeaways
Kink is deeply personal. What counts as kinky is going to be different for everyone, and your own definition might change over time. The important thing is approaching it with curiosity, consent, and self-compassion.
If you’re ready to explore your desires (whether you’re dipping a toe in or ready to dive deep) a sex coach can give you tools, confidence, and a safe space to discover what feels right for you.
References
Copen, C.E. et al. “Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction, and Sexual Orientation Among Adults Aged18-44 in the United States: Data from the 2011-2013 National Survey of Family Growth,” National Health Statistics Report (2016) 7:1.